In the beginning; early man
crawled, walked, and sometimes ran chasing all sorts of critters to get a meal.
Most of the dinners were the fast running kind, and early man couldn't catch
them. Being a Homo sapien he was handicapped with just two legs and most of
these critters were equipped with four.
But early man wasn't about to
go hungry because of his lack of legs and ground speed. It didn't take him long
to invent a spear, a bow and arrow, along with the club all of these tools were
to help make up for his lack of speed over ground.
attempt at the RockCycle by E.Man
One day he happened upon a
large stone shaped like what we know as a wheel. He thought to himself that if
he stood the stone up, he could stand on the top of it and scout for dinner.
When he stood the round stone up on its end it rolled away from him all the way
down the hill, the closer it got to the bottom of the hill the faster it went.
He thought that if he could sit the wheel up on a hill and wait for a likely
meal to walk by he could roll the wheel down and knock down the animal and have
an easy meal. He didn't know it at the time but he just invented road kill.
He developed this hunting tactic so well that he managed to run out of
game. He had become so effective rolling his stone downhill and killing animals
at the bottom; he ran out of all of the eatable critters in his neck of world.
He now needed to roam and cover a lot more ground to get a meal. All of this
walking while rolling the stone up and down hills chasing critters to eat
eventually wore out our hero. Not to mention it wasn't a lot of fun pushing
that heavy round wheel like stone up and down hills all day.
while he was sitting on the ground next to his stone trying to get his strength
back. He looked at the stone wheel and noticed he had worn a hole right in the
middle of the stone and it wasn't long until he figured it out; that with two
wheels with holes in the middle he could insert a log and then ride down the
hill and save a lot of his energy for hunting.
He tried putting a log
into the wheels to act as an axel. But it was a terrible ride, it required that
he either stand on the axel and run with the turning wheels, or hang on and get
dragged down the hill. The second method was worse; his animal fur shirt had
gotten caught up on a limb nub that stuck out from his log axel. All the way
down the hill he was spun around and around with the wheels all the way down
the hill. Being flailed on the ground over and over again was definitely not
high on his list of fun things to do. Neither of these methods where
comfortable, fun, or worked very well so he kept working on developing a better
way. He invented R&D.
He decided to try putting one wheel in front
of the other and connect them with a seat in the middle. He called his new two
round rock invention the rock cycle.
(Note we really don't know what
he called it because early man was still grunting and had no language, never
mind being able to speak Latin. We do know he did invent the rock cycle from
the drawings on cave walls showing early man creating road kill for supper and
the records of race winners between tribes of early men.)
Our early man now had a great way to get his knees in the breeze; rolling down
the hill and running down game and all sorts of stuff. He also noticed how the
early women admired him as he flew by with his long hair and beard flapping in
the wind. He had to be an awesome sight those big stone wheels thumping and
crushing everything in their path with him hanging on for dear life.
Now his only problem was getting the rock cycle back up the hill. The rock
cycle was a tad heavy, and it was a lot of work to push it up the hill. This
gave him the idea to add a second seat and have a helper ride with him. Our
early man hero was a bit of a silver tongued devil, and he convinced a rather
strong but semi good looking early woman that she would look "the bomb" perched
up on his "bitch seat" rolling down the hill with her hair and large breasts
flapping in the wind. All she had to do was help him push the RC up the hill.
And just like many of today's modern women she agreed and was tattooed
immediately as Property of Early Man.
Now he rode down the hill, furs
flapping and early woman hanging on with her furs flapping and some of her
other parts flapping as the other early men and women looked on. One old early
man told his grand children sitting around the camp fire that he could have had
rock cycle; but instead they now have the only cave with aluminum siding.
Early RockCycle invented by E.Man
Soon the other early men
wanted a rock cycle too; evidently picking up early women was easier after
showing them some machismo on a rock cycle. Pushing the rock cycle back up the
hill was easier with the help of early woman. Besides you could always find
other things to do with the women when you weren't pushing or riding the rock
cycle, furs had to be washed, meals made and someone had to clean out the
Early man found himself working day and night to build rock
cycles for his early man customers. Soon enough, the mountain was full of these
early men and women with their furs and hair and other body parts flapping,
zooming all over the place on rock cycles.
This upset some of the
elder early men and women, because they would complain about the noise and
destruction to the mountain from the stone wheels. There were horrific crashes
allot of early men and women were killed or crippled when two or more rock
cycles would collide. You have to remember they didn't have any safety gear,
helmets, or rock cycling leathers, just some ill fitted furs which let some
parts of the anatomy fall out and flap in the wind. Remember the rock cycle was
invented to kill animals for diner. Those heavy stone wheels would crush bodies
and keep on going; sometimes they would careen into the caves and kill other
early men and women.
The elders decided they needed
rules and someone to enforce them. So they sat around a campfire and made a
list of rules for the rock cyclists to adhere to and these rules would keep
early man's society safe.
They elected the biggest early man to
enforce the rules, his name was Sta Tru. (Note, over the years the word Sta Tru
was corrupted into State Trooper) Now Tru was real effective and he confiscated
all of the early rock cycles for infractions of the elders rules. Some were for
speeding, some for noise, but most of them were for non compliance with the
elder's vehicle inspection rules and lack of personal protective equipment (DOT
and Snell foundation approved helmets).
None of the rock cycles had
lights or brakes as required by the elders, and they didn't grandfather any of
the rock cycles even though they were made before the rules. It didn't matter
to the elders that the light bulb, batteries, and brakes hadn't been invented
Early man finally gave up the rock cycling and not until much
later on in the worlds development, about a few thousand years, did he
rediscover the sport. He also realized that the rules set down way back in the
early days of rock cycling were still with us today.
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